Twenty three years ago this evening, I was preparing to become a mother. I was almost 10 months pregnant (seriously....Tate's due date had originally been set for March 10th) and had been donning the same three outfits for the past month. (Carefully selected Target stretch pants with coordinating tops. They matched the black high top Reebok aerobic shoes I wore each day...I smirk as I write this just thinking about those six items of clothing. I definitely got my money's worth and I wonder if my fifth graders had secretly been placing wagers on what combination I would appear in each morning.) Ever prepared, I had gathered a month of sub plans because like every first time mom, my baby was going to come exactly when they said it would and I would be back in four weeks. If I had only known....
Mark and I went out for supper in Winner and stopped by my parent's house to check in with them. I explained how Dr. Malm said if the baby didn't come this evening, he would see me at 7:00 AM and they would begin the process of inducing labor. I remember looks of concern and worry and numerous requests that we call them right away. My dad was in his own battle with cancer, weak, frail, but excited for his new role as grandpa; and my mom was an exhausted,worried caregiver for Dad. But I was too wrapped up in my forever pregnancy to truly notice how much stress she was under. She hid it well, but her mom instincts were keen and she was worried about her first born. If I had only known...
I could write about the 14 hour day we spent bringing Tate into the world, the induction that wasn't working, the forever pushing, the scared feeling when Tate's heart rate dropped as we worked to bring him into the world, the tears when they told us things were not going well and how they rushed me to the operating room to skillfully perform an emergency C-section, but this post isn't about that. None of the previous nine months, years of babysitting, eight years of teaching swimming lessons to hundreds of kids, and the five previous years of students had prepared me for what was about to happen. I THOUGHT I knew what was going to happen when this amazing gift was placed in my arms. I mean, I knew kids. Kids and I were a "thing". I understood kids....they were my life, my profession. I knew what being a mom was all about. If I had only known....
Tate Benjamin Senftner arrived at 7:47 pm on Wednesday, April 1st, 1992. He was 9 pounds, 4.5 ounces, and 22 inches long. He had brown hair, big, dark eyes that would soon turn a light shade of blue, and a long torso. I remember everything about the moment. Dr. Malm hollered out, "It's a boy!" and my world was forever changed. They rushed him for needed medical attention, and soon he was brought over to me so I could see him as they finished up with whatever they do after C-section....I couldn't wait to hold him and the excitement had erased any pain that accompanied his arrival. The love that filled my heart is explainable. If I had only known.....
If I had only known the sheer terror of watching him attempt to ride a bike without training wheels, or dropping him off at day care for the very first time and sobbing all the way to school because he had been crying and scared in new surroundings. The midnight trip(s) to the hospital with a 102 degree fever that turned into a three day hospital stay(s)...If I had only known how vastly my life would change from thinking about what I wanted or needed versus his needs. How every decision you now made was based on what was best for him. If I had only known the joy I would feel when he smiled for the first time, the first steps, the infamous "Goat" laugh that he shared when he was excited. Those middle of the night feedings, the exhaustion and tears as I doubted my abilities as his mother, the "Mama Bear" moments when I wanted to step in and fix things, the conferences where we listened to his talents, shortcomings, and concerns, the hours we spent following him around country as he pursued his love of athletics and competing. The makeshift hoops made from laundry baskets, retrieving the ball from the tee as he swung that big plastic Little Tykes bat for hours, the football games played in the lot behind our house, the broken windows, lamps, picture frames, and shoelaces as he was always playing some type of game with a ball....The endless rewinding of the Barney VHS tape, reading his favorite "Arthur" books, and playing the Jock Jams CD in the car over an over again because he "loved" it. The early morning calls he would make to KWYR radio station in Winner where he would ask his friend "Steve" (or "Teve" as he called him) to play "Little Bitty"...and "Teve" would always oblige. The difficult conversations about life,death, religion,finances, relationships, and moving...If I had only known how much all these moments, and a million others, would forever change and define my life. I had no idea twenty three years ago what an adventure I was embarking upon as I set my alarm clock for 6:00 AM so I could shower and look "good" for my delivery....(ha!) No idea. The love, joy, frustration, fear, impatience, pride, exhaustion (did I say love?) that you experience as a parent, eludes explanation. I just don't believe there is any way to prepare someone for the gift God gives us when He blesses us with children.
And as I sit here reflecting this evening about tomorrow's date, I know there is no way to prepare someone for the experience of losing those precious gifts. God Bless You Tate Benjamin on your heavenly birthday....you are loved and missed more than you could ever imagine. If I had only known......
