Just Keep Swimming....The Last Nineteen Years

     He arrived, a few weeks early, in the midst of a bitter, bone-chilling cold spell and tons of snow.  He will depart a few weeks earlier than his classmates in the midst of the heat and humidity that only a South Dakota summer can bring.  I wasn't really prepared for his early arrival, and I am definitely not ready for his departure.  Mark had to run uptown earlier this evening and he asked me if I needed anything.  I bluntly replied, "Yeah, can you bring me back the last nineteen years of my life?"  He gave me a faint grin and said, "Yeah, I know.  I wish I could."

     The weeks leading up to this date have been busy--last minute paperwork, emails, signing up for student loans (gulp), and registering for classes.  We have purchased his "dream" laptop, a new comforter, some containers, and cleaned up his brother's dorm fridge.  Doctor appointments, an oil change on the (hopefully) trusty Explorer, and the much overdue "gutting" of the boar's nest he calls his room, also occurred in various shifts over the last few weeks.   We have confirmed what we already knew--he has too many t-shirts and socks and he uncovered a pair of boxers from the nest that I am positive haven't fit him since third grade.  

    We had a terrible time deciding on a name for him; for both boys actually, but especially him.  I will never forget when one of my colleagues stopped up to the hospital to visit after he was born and she asked me what we had named him.  I said we hadn't decided yet.  Her response still makes me laugh. "Lynn, how can you not have a name for him? You've known for nine months you were going to have a baby." (In my defense, he was three weeks early--I was denied those last weeks to shuffle through the baby name book and watch Mark roll his eyes or groan at my suggestions.) Her words are dancing through my head this evening as my soon-to-be-college boy spends his last night at home for a long time...only there's a twist.."Lynn, how can you not be more prepared for this event?  You've known for the last nineteen years this day would come?" 

   I cannot imagine that anyone is prepared to send their children to college. I do a lot of reading and I've never seen a title like  "Sending Your Child to College for Dummies".  There cannot be anything that prepares you for this.   I think back to the day my mom took me over to Augustana (my first landing spot).  My dad was "staying back" to take care of my brother (approaching his junior year) and my sister (an 11 year old)--both perfectly capable of winging it for the day.  It was the Labor Day celebration in Winner--carnivals, parades, softball tourneys, and more. (Bob, seriously, open the money clip and give them a $20 and get in the car with your wife. )  None of the celebratory things were big on Bob's list of things to do, but he stood on the porch after helping me load the car and gave me a big hug.  My always witty, sarcastic brother was reading the Omaha World Herald, reclining in the lazy boy.  He ever so innocently tipped the corner of the paper down  and said, "See you in four years."   My sister was crying and I was too.   Years later my mom told me she cried all the way down Highway 44 to Parkston after dropping me off at Bergsaker Hall.  Claims she quickly stopped in Parker for coffee only because she needed some napkins to use as tissues.   I asked her why dad hadn't come along that day and she confessed that he told her he just didn't think he could do it.  She said he cried every night for a week.   It's okay Dad.  I get it.  Trust me, I get it. Oh, do I get it.

     Tomorrow  the "college boy"  and I will take off in the mid-afternoon.  Mark has,wait for it.....a coaching responsibility, so he will join us later in the evening.  I am looking forward to the drive--just me and my boy.  We have traveled many miles for many moons just he and I.  Ball games. school events. visits to Grandma Alice's house, trips to baseball in Pierre--all minutes and miles I would do over and over again.  I would start this journey over in a heartbeat-- no questions asked, and no location too far, because the little boy who once hated to ride in the car, has become my beloved travel partner.  We've shared stories and dreams and laughs as we've crossed the state following his dad's teams and his activities.  .There have also been times when not much was said.....he was napping, or listening to music, or texting, or maybe ignoring me, which is fine. I cherished the time we were spending even in the silence.   For the most part, it has been quality time.  (Just don't bring up the time I got a flat tire on the way to the big GBB game in Mobridge OR the time(s) the deer just jumped in front of my car. For during these events, my dear boy was, to borrow a new millennial slang term, " a hot mess"-- complete with tears and sobs. The poor kid just fell apart.)

      As his mom, I will always wonder if we prepared him enough for this next exciting step.  I certainly wasn't ready when Alice dropped me off some 30 years ago.  I was naive and comfortable in my hometown.  He is too.  He enjoyed his high school career and loved being an SBHS student. This will be a big step for him.   Did we teach him enough?  Is he ready for the challenges and changes that college will present?  We pray he will be a good roommate--respectful of the shared space and property that is not his.   The people, the professors, the friends and fun await him.  I pray that most of the experiences will be positive, but deep down I know there will be some difficult lessons yet to be learned.Things we perhaps could not have taught him, but could we have warned him at least? What did we miss? Overlook?  He has had enough sadness the last few years, that I know we shied away from some of the bad stuff we should have shared with him.  His glass is always half full and he thinks everyone else's is also....but we know it that isn't true. And no matter what is on the horizon for him,  I will always question if we did enough to prepare him for this next adventure.  I know I had ample time to teach these lessons, but man, I am panicking here.   

       We've been in "Dory Mode" since Tate's death---and by Dory Mode,  I mean, "Just keep swimming.....just keep swimming".  We have paddled and tread through some deep, deep water the past few years. Sadly, I think we always will, but maybe it will get easier. We've been bobbling up and down through events, or sometimes just floating to survive another day.  There were days I should have been playing life guard but the "pool" was unattended, and for that dear boy, I am so very sorry,  You deserved better.  My favorite swimmer has done a pretty decent job staying afloat these past few years. Much better than his mother.  Deep down, I'm excited for you to jump out of this pool, dry off, and start your next big swim with a splash.....I know  this next body of water will be a wonderful time in your life. And I know you can do it.   And I pray we have supplied you with the strength and faith to keep swimming.....We are your biggest fans, your life guards, your water wings... and we want nothing more than for you to be happy and healthy.  You are ready for this, even if you think you are not dear boy.  Never forget we are here if you need us.... We love you. 

   (Side note:  After four long days, and playful threats from the business office at the Gregory Community Hosptial reminding us that he must be named before we could take him home. we finally agreed on a name for our little guy.  Scott Robert Senftner arrived at 12:45 pm on Wednesday, December 4, 1996.  That very afternoon, his proud big brother Tate confidently announced at CCD Christmas Program practice that we had named him Andrew and because he was so believable, Scott received a few cards addressed as such....Other names tossed around were Brock, Ryan, Derek, and Tyler, and obviously, Tate was gunning for an Andrew. None of those even sound right now. <3 )